I really wasn’t expecting all that much from this movie. Remakes are rarely good, and so far Tim Burton hasn’t had a great track record with remakes.
I really, really hated the Disney cartoon as a kid. And I know that isn’t the original, and some people really like the books, but my only exposure was through the animated movie. And it was weird, weird, weird! I especially hated those freaks Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum. And that freaking Walrus!
The movie starts in the unspecified past, if a specific time period is mentioned, I must have missed it, with an unspecified gentleman talking about an unspecified plan that is being hailed as madness.
They’re interrupted by a little girl, the titular Alice, who has been having nightmares. Completely out of character of a patriarch of the time (whenever that is), Alice’s father, instead of scolding the girl for being seen by his guests, and calling for either his wife or nanny to take the girl away, he tucks her into bed.
We get a little bit of foreshadowing, in the form of Alice telling her father about the strange dreams she’s been having. Surprisingly enough, they sound a lot like the nightmares I had after watching the original movie as a kid.
Alice, out of character for a little girl, asks if she’s gone mad. Because all little girls start worrying about going insane. Her father then proceeds to comfort her, telling her she’s perfectly sane and…
Oh wait, no he tells her she’s insane, in what I assume is meant to be a touching moment.
Skip forward to fifteen years later, Alice’s father is now dead, because as we all know Disney has something against parents.
Alice is now almost twenty years old, and a free spirit. Because all it takes is main character status in a Disney movie to break free from the shackles of an oppressive society.
Of course she hasn’t quite broken free from those shackles quite yet, and we’re treated to her forced engagement party, with her straw-man almost fiance, who apparently is a Lord of some kind, and exhibit a of inbreeding among the nobility.
Long story short, a lot of problems are set up, her life sucks, because life frankly sucked for all women back then. Then she chases a white Rabbit and the madness begins.
As Alice discovers, she’s not the right Alice. And Wonderland is actually Underland, because step A of remakes these days seems to be to spit on the original in every way possible.
Long story short, the Red Queen has taken over, because she isn’t loved. Alice has to kill the Jabberwocky with the Vorpal Sword. Anne Hathaway, the White Queen, will take back over when this happens. Why she hasn’t done anything about her sister yet, seeing as she apparently is living quite happily in her own palace, is a mystery to me.
For the record, the Tweedles still freak me out.
Johny Depp plays the Mad Hatter, and I can honestly believe he is insane. Though, to be fair, his performance was one of the more enjoyable parts of the movie.
After the plot line of “choose your own destiny” or whatever, is resolved, or at least they stop shoving it down our throats for five seconds, Alice faces the Jabberwoky.
Who’s voice by Christopher Lee. Hey, this movie is looking up!
“Enough chatter,” said Alice, and sliced through the Jabberwoky’s tongue.
“NO!” The viewer yelled. “He was the best part of the movie! Bad Alice, Bad!”
Alice beats the Jabberwoky, earning my eternal ire, and returns home to her world, despite the fact that it sucks.
We are then treated to a painful scene where she tells everyone in her life off for being such pricks, and then she’s hired as an apprentice in her would-have-been-father-in-law’s company. Because hiring your old friend’s obviously insane daughter was common practice back then, whenever then was.
The movie ends with Alice leaving to…China?…on a ship. Because sailors back then were perfectly fine with women on their ships.
To be honest, the idea was interesting, Alice coming back to Wonder…Underland (-_-) after she’s older. But really, the plot wasn’t anything original, and the Villain made no sense.
Other than Alice and the Mad Hatter, I can’t really endorse any other aspect of the movie. Except maybe the music.
We watched the movie in 3-D and it really felt like a waste. I really didn’t feel like the 3-D added anything to the movie.
I went to see the movie with my family, and they enjoyed it, but I really can’t say it was anything special, mainly because the script was weak. Very weak.
Hey douche, thanks for reminding me of that craptastic Karate Kid remake. I hope you die for that.
So I was right when I promised myself not to see this movie after watching the previews. Thank you for your detailed movie review and for making sure I don't waste 2 hours of my life watching this movie.